Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Little by Little

Parenting my children over the last fourteen years I have discovered that my children’s personality traits and interests require me to use different approaches to their upbringing. Applying individualized parenting styles based on each child’s differences enables me to more effectively raise my children. Being flexible and adapting to each child’s needs is crucial in the parent–child relationship. Children really are individuals and want to be seen and treated as such.
One of the areas I have learned to handle my children differently is in their response to change. Kindra, my fourteen year old daughter, and Jakob, my seven year old son, deal with change on a daily basis because we are a blended family. Bringing two families together puts the children through adjustments to new siblings, step-parents and in our case, a new home. Kindra has always been the easygoing one who adapts quickly to changes although she does not trust new people immediately. I can let her go at her own pace. She is more able to find her own space and fit in quickly, adapting herself to new surroundings whereas Jakob requires more guidance to adapt to new situations. Jakob needs to walk around and observe for a few minutes before he is comfortable enough to leave mom’s side. Even then he does not always feel comfortable. I have learned to go with the kid’s response. If they do not feel comfortable in any situation, I try and talk about why and how I can help them feel more comfortable. Recognizing how each child deals with change helps me to know how to make the transitions in day to day life go smoother. Whereas I can just let Kindra adjust herself to the new situation, Jakob needs the reassurance from me that everything is ok.
Another area of challenge is the competitive nature of my children. Kindra likes to be the best at everything she does. However she has also learned to work hard to win. Because of her age, my role is to support her, make sure she is on time and cheer her on at all she does. Jakob, who is much younger, still thinks he should just win automatically. I spend more time teaching him that winning and doing well takes time and patience and that sometimes he will not win. Not always winning is not as much fun, but Jakob is learning to accept it. Because they both are extremely competitive and are different ages, I have to monitor competitive situations more closely. A game of soccer in the backyard between Kindra and Jakob usually ends up with hurt feelings about someone being better than the other.
In addition, knowing how they each express their emotions in tough situations requires me to work through problems differently. Kindra tends to bottle things up inside. She needs me to help her learn to talk through her problems and work them through. With Kindra I try and engage her in conversation and push her to talk and express herself. On the other hand, Jakob is quicker to express his emotions, sometimes exploding! He needs help learning to control his anger and channel his emotions to a healthy outlet. Both need my help learning how to handle their emotions in an age appropriate manner. Because life gives them daily challenges, I try to deal with their emotions in a proactive way. Every day I talk with them and try to find ways that each child can express themselves in a healthy manner. Sometimes I do this by letting them see me act or respond in the wrong way. When mom walks away from a talk or blows up they can see how ineffective this behavior is. I try to help them see how I could have handled the situation better. I have even thrown myself on the floor and screamed. They just laughed but it got my point across and started us talking.
In the same way I have found teaching each child the fundamentals of obedience is very challenging. No one likes to always be told what and when to do something. So, I try and find creative ways to teach them to obey and respect the parental authority. Kindra will challenge me when I ask her to do something and then look for a loop hole to get around the request. I can say “ Kindra, why don’t you sweep the floor?” Later, the floor will not have been swept and when I ask why she did not sweep the floor she will respond with “You asked me why don’t I you didn’t tell me, to do it.” When she was younger a raised voice would usually get her back in line. Now, because of her age I am able to reason with her. A raised voice with Jakob can send him into a rage. He needs a non–dictator tone, one that is allowing him to “think” he has an option even though he really does not. So when I am asking Jakob to sweep the floor, I can say “Jakob you can sweep the floor first or take out the recycle.” He will feel he has the choice apposed to feeling like I commanded him to do a chore. He does not see he still has to do the same amount of chores. Although both kids really need the structure that discipline brings them neither one likes it very much. Kindra and Jakob’s response to discipline requires me to be flexible, yet very consistent, with each one of them. Obedience is a lesson they both will need to work on throughout their childhood. My hope is that they will have both learned this by the time they reach adulthood as they, like all of us, will live under some kind of authority.
However time consuming, mundane, and exhausting this job can seem at the end of each day, I am thankful I had one more day with my two unique children. As I look on to tomorrow I hope I do a better job parenting than what I did today. Remembering that, with all of their differences, my children have one big similarity: they each want and need to know that I love and respect them for who they are and need my encouragement of their individuality through my unique parenting style for each of them

1 comment:

Tigerlilly said...

I am going to be a lil late!!!!